my slippery little mind

i’ve been trying to write a blog post about my experience with meditation for a month now and it’s not working. so here’s a picture, which they say is worth 1000 words, but takes less time to write:

Go Shiva! Meditate the hell out of that sh!t!

maybe i look like that when i’m meditating, but that’s not what it feels like on the inside. inside- it’s a mess. i’ve started to love the time i spend meditating trying to meditate. the stillness of it, the body relaxed but alert. but when it comes down to it, meditation is like wrestling a barrel full of eels. my mind is a slippery, devious, chaotic place. i burst into laughter, or into tears. usually tears- yes, it’s that frustrating!

i haven’t practiced ashtanga vinyasa in over a month now. my body itches, my joints ache, and my skin crawls. i gaze jealously at practitioners when i’m adjusting in the mornings. and in the evenings during pk training i imagine i’m vinyasa-ing my little heart out rather than doing 300 squats. though, i’m not sure there’s any difference between the two. just that i’m doing a lot of one and none of the other. and it used to be the other way around. yeah- same difference.

the most wonderful thing about not practicing yoga asana is that i get to eat whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want it- hello ice cream floats at 10pm! and i’ve been eating garlic too. and chili. this has taken a HUGE load off my life- especially with the stress of a new job. after five years of ashtanga practice, this one, seemingly simple thing, makes an amazing difference in my life. it doesn’t mean i’m not eating healthily- it’s the when that makes the biggest difference.

so while i was meditating attempting to meditate yesterday, i realized something rather magical, and though for me it was in the context of yoga, it could apply to anything in life (like parkour, or my job). meditation is supposed to be a single point of focus, which ends up, more often than not, being the self. and anything we do- yoga, meditation, parkour, running, etc. is just a mirror where we get to see ourselves within the context of that activity. but the point isn’t to become obsessed with the reflection (i am that cool asana!), or to judge it (i suck at parkour!), or compare it to other reflections of ourselves (worse than yesterday!) or of others (better than so-and-so!). it’s to recognize that it is only a reflection, and our true nature can only be realized when we are able to turn away from the reflection and put everything we have into what we’re doing right now (trying to meditate!). and that is where practice is.

deep, or maybe not. unfortunately, i’ve discovered that my mind is just as likely to come up with the insightful and the assinine in equal proportions. which is altneratively both exciting and embarassing, and sometimes both at the same time. i’m just going to try and hang on for the ride.


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